i watched in horror

as square by square

as state by state

became filled with red

 

it was a map of blood

from the bodies of those

who fought to be counted

till their untimely death

 

i watched in grief

as tally by tally

as point by point

surged on the evil side

 

it was a lead of hate

that emboldened oppression

and bravado of bigotry

from under the quiet

 

i woke up this morning

not to any new country

but the same ol’ amerikkka

that never loved me

 

this united states

has always existed

it was a never a home

for the black or brown body

 

i woke up today

to the amerikkkan dream

that for fifty-eight percent

of white people came true

 

this dream is the nightmare

of those who were stolen

of those who sought refuge

in the red, white, and blue

 

the fight that we face

has always been brutal

is promised to be difficult

this, we can’t avoid.

 

the fight that we fight

in spite of our trials

at the risk of our lives

is our only choice.

as a first generation immigrant,

the ballot reminds me of the paradoxical space

that folx of my diaspora live within in the united states,

where our parents' adoption of the myth of the american dream and xenophobic racism meet

to contain our identities in a constant place of

in-between, border-straddling, and non-belonging.

this place is where i was taught as a child to

erase my own tongue,

hate the shape of my eyes,

and distance myself from those and things labeled f.o.b.

this place is also where i learned how internalized white supremacy encourages many southeast asians to

adopt the model minority myth,

compete with each other based on proximity to Whiteness,

and sit in complicity as the buffer between Black and White Americans in anti-Black racism.

this place continues to remind me of

the necessary wrestle between and recognition

of our simultaneous privilege and marginalization,

of the duty we owe to our ancestors who fought to reclaim our motherland's independence as it was captured by one colonizer to the next,

and of the local and global movement to get free.

i submitted my ballot,

carrying the history of the struggle for all people to have their place at the polls,

and i remember that the revolution relies on

the people, our fire, and our fight

to reclaim and protect our power.